As If I Care..!

I'm very anxious. Was all along getting ready for this roller coaster ride...infact experienced the joys of post ride before the ride! It's like working backwards...now getting on to the ride...dont really want to think what, how, why...will handle things as they come (as a good ol vipz advised) Carry me through this good Lord. © Z.

Oh yeah..I had to update about the remaining diet days…ummm… Day 3 was bananas & milks & soup…so u can imagine how it went! Started with banana shake...and veg soup and then some more veg soup and bananas and then some milk. If anyone wants to know how a banana fed cow looks like, meet me. Day 4 was all fruits & veg. Same old soup and same old fruits. I can sense their disdain when I reach out for them in the fridge. Day 5 was chicken & tomatoes. NOW WE ARE TALKING!! I made some nice chicken stew. ZERO oil. This lasted me till tea time. Dinner was Minced chicken..yumm! Day 6 was chicken & veggies. No chicken today as had no time to shop. Had the usual veggie fare. Day 7 was rice & veggie & fruits. Had everything except the ones mentioned here. So, Day 7 marked end of a uneventful diet program. The results? Well well…didn’t check!! Actually, didn’t bother to. But I have lost some inches and few of my old clothes which were on brink o...

All veggie day. Starts with 2 boiled potatoes with a pat of butter (part of diet, before you wince!). Lunch was Subway veggie salad...some more of veggie salad in the eve. I was feeling drowsy the whole day...infact, the morning began with a headache. As the clock ticked, I was getting more cranky and edgy. Towards the evening, went for a movie. Heehaahaaa..had a veggie sandwich & a tub of butter popcorn. And Pepsi. Day 2 ruined. Sigh. © Z.

Day I of GM Diet is all fruits day, except bananas. So the day begun with fruit salad...followed by apple..then guavas...then some chikoos...then pomegranate...and it was just 2 pm :(. Hunger pangs every 30 mins! Had lots of water thru the day. Had to visit a batchmate's wedding in the eve. Well..err..had some spring rolls and paneer pakoras...but the dinner was a fruit plate. Duh. It's so uncool, this diet. © Z.

There has been no mortal (the female kinds specially) who would not get charmed by the idea of losing weight without working out! Latest victim is yours truly. The GM Diet begins tomorrow. © Z.

1. How can emotions rule finance? 2. How do you give unto someone, when you actually wanted her to give unto you? 3. How do you have your hands across something that's splitting from all sides? 4. How can time just fly when you were worried all day about how it will pass by? 5. Why do people want to control & micro manage? 6. What kind of people are control freaks? 7. How can you keep making promises to yourself and not honor them? 8. How can you be sure about your decision? 9. How do you provide solace to a upset heart thats given up on hope? 10. How can you make yourself do something that you just dont want to do? 11. Why would you want to do something that you dont want to do? 12. Why cant you not do what you dont want to do? 13. Why does it matter so much if it wasnt meant to be done? 14. What if it was meant to be, but you dont want to do it? 15. Back to Q # 10 16. Why is life so fucked up? 17. Do I have to round it off to 20 Qs? 18. What if I dont want to? 19. And who car...

It gets so increasingly frustrating. You have 100 people around with 10000 expectations. Add to these, you have 1000 more people who you are responsible for with 1000000 more. And if you dont live upto even 1 of them, its catastrophe. You have either changed or dont care or are irresponsible or simply the issue is escalated, if it can be. I'm beginning to detest it now. Everywhere I turn, I have people expecting something out of me, with timelines attached!! Who do I turn to?? Is there a single person I can bank on to partner with me throughout this without having to keep knocking doors for help everytime? I understand the pressure and its not as if its something I've not dealt with before. But now...I'm losing all the interest & zeal to handle it. It all seems just so not worth it... God, you are aware, arnt you? HELP ME. PLEASE. © Z.

Once you cross 25…you begin to count. Not just days & months as they etch by, but also those memories of 2.5 decades…which tend to grow more wooly, indistinct and far off if you don’t keep jogging your cells often. During my brunch which consisted of Maggi noodles (and this despite several vows to eat healthy), my mind took a leafed through the History book...(my! I sound Neanderthal) to check on entries matching “Maggi+Noodles”. I think my first word did start with an “M”…no...not Mama/Mummy…yes...you got that right! I must’ve opened one eye…looked up at the crowd of curious adults staring down at me and bawled, “Maaaaaagggggggggggiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii” and Nestlé’s marketing director who was having his kid delivered in the next room must’ve quickly obliged. Maggi was everywhere when I grew up…it was a prize for behaving well…it was the tool to pataofy me…it was there in the lunch box…during the dinners…during the brunch…and even when you weren’t hungry but reall...

Eid marks end of Ramadan...a month which teaches you the virtues of Will Power & Control. Control your temptations, desires & everything which you'd normally go overboard with ;). God bless...we all need Him. © Z.

There's something about travels. After reading this by Vipul, I took a trip down the memory lane. I aint someone who enjoys traveling. Or so I thought. It turned out to be one of the thousand things which I think I dont like and end up doing. Shows how warped my sense of my own liking & disliking is :). I discover that I dont like lengthy commuting...which am sure most of us dont. Coming back to the point, there is something about traveling & journeys. I've been to just 3 places wherein we just backpacked and left. Agra, Mussorie & Manali. There's this suspended feeling...you know...you are in a place where nobody knows you...every moment is a discovery...you try to hold on your own when your being actually wants to get lost amidst the unknown crowds...you feel so...fulfilled. The feeling makes you realise there's so much more to life than office & home drudgery. It's been close to 6 months since my last travel...but I can still recall how I felt...

And so the day begins…total misalignment. Assuming today is Thursday, when it actually is Friday…I messed u p couple of meetings. And what’s worse…I missed my Friday fast as well. What’s going on?

Today…I reacted to a bad news in a very bad manner….I should learn to control my emotions.

Phew!! After much deliberation, procrastination, frustration & desperation I've designed my own blog template. Right from the background, header, dividers, font to spacing et al . YES!!! Need to fix few issues in this one as well...dunno why it loads to the rightside before centrally aligning itself....any thoughts? Edit:- Now my Almighty knows how many changes I've done to this blog to finally reach here. This look is better than the chocolate one. Very spacious...has a nice airy feel to it. This stays. Till I start getting those template change bouts again!!! © Zarine.

Now this post was long in the offing...but never stuck me to actually publish it. Zodiac Analysis! Yes! Am now gonna write down my experiences with each sun sign and if any of you belong to the "wrong" ones...HARD LUCK. To begin with the ones I avoid with a barge pole. Sagittarius Aquarius AND Capricorn While the first 2 are simply irritating bunch of people, I've not met a single Capricorn who hasnt hurt me. Next in line... Gemini Aries Geminis. Sigh. Who will tell them the planet revolves around the Sun NOT them?! Chatterbugs & Attention Hoggers. One of the most self centered signs. I cant fathom how can one go on & on about him/herself to such an extent. But yeah...you can count on them to cheer you up when you are in the dumps. Aries. Hyper Active or Hyper Lazy. Their favt prayer is either "God grant me patience...and do it right NOW!" or "God grant me energy...can you do that tomorrow?" Not a bad bunch actually...shouldnt be clubbed with G...

Am so fed up of changing my blog skins everytime!! Something or the other messes up the old one and I have to go shopping again! vipul...pls help me tweak this one :((( © Zarine.

It's been a while. Things havnt changed much between the last post & this one. Except that I find myself a bit more confident these days. Owe it to the promotion & a direct reportee or owe it to the fact that you've seen enough to know that things just happen. The world doesnt crash if you dont meet the deadlines. Hasnt yet, ever. Not really a retrospective post this, but more of an observation kinds. Observation fed by thoughts of near & dear ones. "You should often do what you fear the most. This way death of fear is certain" - Mark Twain How do we define our fears? By the consequences? I'm actually scared of ghosts. And dogs. But I still remember all those nights when there was no power & my mind made things just more difficult. It would be difficult to sleep as I'd be on high alert. Now, why do I fear ghosts? Coz I have no control over them and I cant possibly combat them either. That's the problem. If I knew that on sighting a ghost yo...

Merged my new one with the old one...yooohooo!!!!!!!!! © Zarine.

At those lonely hours of a cold night you wonder...how much have you invested in yourself to keep your being afloat at such times? Do you have any habit or hobby you can fall back on to see yourself through such still hours? You fall back on your friends without for once thinking that they too have their lives & cant be there every time you need them. Do you even 'need' them now or are you are using them as a defense against Loneliness? Are you curing the problem or its symptoms? Thank Lord for the pals you have...who lift you through...what if for once they couldnt? Would you fall flat? You can sit still for hours when you are alone...its like something is lost. You exist in them...in people around you. Their presence revives you...you are a low key raaga without them. You are so completely detached from your surroundings that it sometimes startles me that you are even present in the room! It seems like you really arnt here...you are somewhere else...mebbe with all those ...

Phew..the days jus run..no, whiz by these days. In between the 2 posts...my birthday came & went, a promotion happened, 5 terminations and endless hours of employee counsellings. As always, loads to write but no time to string it all and stitch it here! I like the sudden rush....but hope things turn sane soon. © Zarine.

There’s this friend of mine who I met over the Net. I still rem’ber his first line…it was “How shameless can you be?” And the topic in question was my making blind guesses in the Quant section in CAT 2003. I don’t rem’ber my reply though…I jus recall I was a lil taken aback! It’s been 4 years now. We’ve met thrice. But he was always there when I needed him. I hope it was vice versa as well. We talk like 2, max 3 times in a month since we got working. Imagine meeting someone who’s so close just 3 times out of the 1400 days that you know each other. And actually, if you add up the time we spent with each other on these 3 days, it’ll add up to just a day!! He’s someone I’m proud of. He reinstates my belief about relations being all about minds connecting & staying in touch. Distances…they come in between if you let them.

Umm...ho hummmm....mmmmmm...errrr....aaahhhhhh...eeeemmmmm....OK DAMN here it is :- I've resumed painting after more than 10 years and am shit scared coz I dunno if i rem'ber anything abt it and I did try today and I'm still little naive about the whole thing and am ok with the pencils and not so ok with the sketches and have managed to do a decent job with the water colors and the more I try to improvise them the worse they get so I decided to just let them be and the rate at which am using my water colors, am gonna run out of them in a month's time!! That was the longest sentence of my life. *RUNS* © Zarine.

I was listening to this Veer Zaara song "Tere Liye" and suddenly recalled how I bawled uncontrollably in the theater! I mean, I was us fine till the scene before that...and as soon Preity walks in & the music begins, tears roll down! That moment when they face each other after 22 yrs...man....I couldnt control myself! Imagine....here you are...your life ruined & everything lost...and you still carry on just because of the one person who you love so much....you give up on your life just to withhold that person's dream/dignity...when you pretty well know you can never get him...when you have given up hope of ever seeing him again...and there he is! The person who you revered in your thoughts for more than 2 decades, standing before you. In the same deplorable condition as you were, for the same 22yrs. For the same reason as yours. For the same love. Bawl!!!!!!!!!! Am gonna cry again!!!!!!!!!!! © Zarine.

God is such a personal aspect of one's life. We come across so many people citing how God should be worshiped, how your relation with Him should be and the usual Do's & Dont's. There might be times when you dont relate to what's been preached, but you are apprised that you do not know since it requires an understanding at a higher level or that people with more insight & knowledge say its right...and hence it should be right. So there you are...confused. Should you go by what your nubile mind thinks or what a more knowledgeable mind preaches. You might tread the latter path for the fear of doing something wrong in your ignorance. But even if you still do something 'wrong' due to your ignorance in your quest of understanding God, does the Almighty view it so severely? I dont understand the "God-fearing" funda. Can you love & accept someone wholeheartedly if you feared Him? There's always this barrier of fear. The constant act of getting ...

Damn, letting go can be tough. But it's an exhilarating feeling once you that. Am letting go of my life...stop being a control freak. There's no point losing your cool over something you have no control over. On the ones you do, why lose control when you can mend it right? Dont control...other reactions, their expectations, the outcomes, their thoughts, your fears, your heart, your mind & "the-way-it-should-be"s. And voila! You'll discover how much you've been missing in life! And a parting line from one of favt songs :- When you want it the most there's no easy way out When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt Don't give up on your faith Love comes to those who believe it And that's the way it is And this is for my best buddy :- I can read your mind and I know your story and I see what you're going through yeah It's an uphill climb, and I'm feeling sorry But I know it will come to you yeah When life is...

How do you get started when you are nervous? How do you get yourself to believe that you can do it…and that it doesn’t matter if others are grimacing? It amazes me how much it matters…the perception you make on others. How they look at you, how they think about you? Do you ‘qualify’? Are you good enough? Will this impress them or will they accept me if I did this? Does my acceptance of self depend on theirs of me? (What English is that??) Whatever, my wondering sessions will never cease! I made a stunning discovery about myself last night, stunning being an understatement. It was this constant wondering about why I wasn’t reciprocating to something; let’s call it “Activity”. This Activity was on my list for more than a year and I simply couldn’t get down to doing it. I discussed about this with my guy and he did his best to support me…but, eventually he faced the fact too that I was simply not responsive to it. Infact, last evening was one of those days when I tried to dr...

Starting on a brand new day. Learning how to fall in love with myself….for the first time ever….it’s tougher, as I know my failings…but am gonna sincerely try.

In another week, I’ll compete 2 years of my ‘professional life’. Ah! 2 saal. Those first 3-4 months…I remember them so vividly. Eager & hungry. Full of energy & promise. Smiling at everyone….bright new mornings…chirpy self…enquiring mind & observing eyes. 2 years….what has changed? Definitely have subdued down…don’t jump the gun anymore…take more informed & calculated decisions…don’t fret & fume over escalations…can handle pressure better now…know who to smile at…know what to ask & to whom…can manage time better…and most importantly…know where I’m headed now. Net net..it’s been a good 2 yrs…with a fair share of ups & downs…and I’m loving it! Yakkkuuuu!!!!

A new template! YOOHOO!

What or who matters in life? Does life itself matter? Can one just live through it as if in a hazy dream? Or a hazy nightmare? I so often catch myself wondering what's the purpose of living? Why do we live? No, it's not one of those "purpose of life" discussions wherein you try to figure your mission on this planet. It's a one wherein am questioning the need for life on the planet itself. There has to be more to it than a mere creation of God, sent on this planet as a punishment for Adam & Eve's deeds. There has to be more than just Good vs Bad, more than Us vs Them. Did God create us to check how we combat temptations? Is that all? How we respond to crisis & how we uphold our integrity? All this....this suffering...this violence...the joys...the happiness....the manipulations...the honesty...the whole hog...all to test the being? For what? And why? Family ties, friendship, enmity, betrayal, tears, sacrifices, testimonies...for what? Is the fear of God...

I took a stress test today. The results were " Stressed Out. You may need help ." Now before that Heart Attack pays me a visit, I must turn to someone I really love & ask him to bail me out. © Zarine.

I didn't know cornflakes with Badam milk & some oranges tastes so good. Man, am all over the place these days. My speech is incoherent...I think faster than I speak which results in some garbled speech! After 2yrs of working, am off late feeling like a new joinee! Am so anxious all the time. The past 6 months have exhausted me completely. So much so that am looking forward to the one new member joining my team. Am gonna dump everything on that poor lad/lass & RUN! But what is it exactly?? I need a review. Yes, that's what I need. It'll give me some perspective on the last 6 months. I need to recharge & rejuvenate myself. I need to go to Kerala. See? see see see? One minute I need a review, next minute I need Kerala!! Sannnyaaassss!!!!!! © Zarine.

© Zarine.

Am REALLY Bored. © Zarine.

Bloody helll!! Sometimes it gets just so damn difficult!! You’d want someone you can shout at and bully coz there has to be some outlet to the anger simmering inside you!!!! That also shows how mentally instable you are! And how you’d want to feed your ego by doing all this. Wont help ya, kid. Trust me, it’ll only get more pathetic. And keechad se dur raho agar apne haath saaf rakhna ho to.

Time to celebrate!! In the past few weeks…I was so bogged down by work that my morale took a hit. A nice hit, at that. Work work work. But as things go, one has to keep working and slogging. Then popped my Super boss. He wanted me to design the career path program for one of overseas operations. Okay….and what inputs do I have about their profiles?…Not much....Okay…Can I have a look at their performance management system to design the criteria?....No, there isn’t any in the first place….Okay…Any Ops plan to figure the Org development chart?...Nopes….Cool…How long do I have design this ‘career path’?....3 hours….Fantastic….Atleast let me know what these people are supposed to do post promotions, so that I can design a competency map???....That’s available!...Thank Great God…Life’s not that unfair, after all! So basis the ‘inputs’, I design a career path…not just 1 level but a level above that as well. Mail it to him. He mails it to his Boss…she shoots it down with 3 questions…he br...

Man, I’m bored…and how bored I am!!! Monday morning…first time in the last 4 months when I didn’t feel like coming for work. Add to the fact that it’s an off for Operations…it makes the whole thing more dreary. I was wondering if I can go back home by 5? Wah…I’m even looking low! “Monday is the key point…Monday agar nikal jaaye, toh no problem” chirps my VP - Training. Ma’am…problem Monday ki hi hai! L It’s been one of those weekends who’s after effects are felt in the upcoming weekdays. I bought a new cell, btw. There’s a no-cam phone drive on in my biz unit, and as always…HR has to be the first one to comply. Jeez…I feel so dead this morning. Let’s listen to Radio… 1. 92.7 - Delhi Fry..a cookery show with some Suruchi…nah..next.. 2. 91.1 - Some ad going on a girl “Who’s a naukrani but wants to become uske khawabon ke raja ki rani…watch “Raja ki aayegi baaraat” on Zee”. 3. 98.3 - Nominations for “Femina Miss India” on…logon to feminamissindia.indiatimes...