so serene

The feeling of a fresh dew... the lightness you experience when you’ve just hugged your loved ones.. music plays such a big part in my life. Listening to songs I grew up on takes me to a different world altogether. Must thank my parents for gifting me the joy of music.

Fuck the fear.

Said one character to another in a Netflix series "so, why dont you finish that book?" "I'm afraid," she said, "what if its not good enough?" "Fuck the fear. One day when you will be happily crossing the road, humming your favorite song and get rammed into by a truck, you would've died holding yourself back for a fear no one really cared about."

Why do we hold ourselves back? I kinda know why I was so miserable over the past few days. I'm tired of being afraid and measuring myself for things I have little control over. I lost focus of what I was to actually do and let all the gossip mongering get to me.

Vir Das says a nice thing in one of his comedy series..."you cant control how people react, but you can control how good you make your work."

What is it about?

So what is it about worrying about wrong things? More about reactions than the purpose?

Pricks and pickles

Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius states in Meditations“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly."

The above quote made my day. I find myself constantly struggling to understand why some people are so vicious and petty. Why did she say that? Why did he do it? Some of the inquisitiveness arises from my own interest in understand people's behaviour, but boy! can it be taxing!

I will break this post into 2 sections. One - Why I think they do it. Two - Why does it bother me.

Why I think they do it

When someone is being a prick, it's usually because they want the attention. Attention seeking behv arises from insecurities of being not good enough or not being considered important enough or fearing loss of control or plainly, knowing that one sucks.

Such folks will constantly poke you. They are narcissists who can survive only if you acknowledge their existence. But if it's a co…

When it rains, it pours

The last couple of days have been such a roller coaster emotional ride. Not in a sob sob/ grin grin manner, but I feel some sort of realisation..a dawn..turning a heavy duty page over sorta feeling.

Negative people seem to take disproportionate time of your day, compared to the positive ones. While the definition of positive and negative essentially is people who you find agreeable or not, but one seems more obsessed with converting the negatives ones over instead of consolidating the positive ones. It's akin to conquering more terrain while leaving the already conquered in a 'maintenance-only' mode. Why is it so important for everyone to agree with you? That's the first of the warning signs of narcissism. Husband pointed out that I'm not very good at 'giving it back' to the nasty ones and tend to internalise it. That my relationship with such folks has a very very long tail before it finally tapers off into oblivion. There will always be this finite number…


I called hubby at work and spoke to him in a very formal, business tone over an upcoming appointment with our builder. He responded in an equally professional manner.

I found it too hot!! Script for next time ;)

© Z.

Grinning monkey

I'm smiling today for no particular reason. I was in midst of mundane corporate activity called "forecasting". Something we do to give ourselves an illusion of control. And subsequent work. Eg. Forecast something, break it down to measurable stuff, monitor against planned, report against variance with action plan. Send lots of colorful dashboards for the above while highlighting people and random activities in bold. See?

Work would've been a funny place if people didn't take it so personally. But you cant blame pays their bills and holidays (or depending on the pay - holiday plans).

I was actually smiling because I have begun to see how pointless it is. It usually boils down to making your work seem important in the larger scheme of things and then complicating it with work-life balance, job satisfaction, progression, compensation, value addition, castration.. not really ;).

11 years of working and I realise only 2 things matter. To me. 1. Pay  2.Visibi…

A Mid-Life start – Down Under – Part 2

The flights were ok. The kiddo didn’t trouble much. God bless her.
A notable thing happened at the Singapore airport. We had some time before the boarding started for onward journey to Oz. I kept seeing those “Prayer Rooms” signboards and told Hubby I wanted to offer a prayer before we proceeded. He said ok. So I went towards to the prayer room. There was nobody there. It felt cut out from the rest of the airport…so I went back and called him to be near about the room…which he agreed. I went back in and started praying. As I proceeded through the prayer, I started getting so nervous and shaky…I kept forgetting my chants. I kept getting them wrong and starting from beginning and getting them wrong again…some guy was praying loudly in the adjacent room and it was either a distraction or I just wanted to stop praying and listen to him…either ways, the clock was ticking and the boarding had begun.
Those few mins in the prayer room, I wasn’t in my own senses…I was been swayed by somethin…

A Mid-Life start – Down Under – Part 1

I didn’t know there was a template for a blog post in MS word.
In the last 2 years, an idea which was dormant in my idea for about 2 decades or so started germinating. It was mostly watered by the birth of my daughter (that sounded weird) It was about migrating to Australia. There was something about this place which allured me. It was away, self-sufficient, least bothered, aloof, didn’t give a damn and it was both ugly and pretty. It was me in a lot of ways.
I started the immigration process by visiting those visa consultants (a special mention of a friend, TJ, a discussion with whom helped me narrow it down) and then over the period of the next 4-5 months struggled through the documentation process. Husband complied wherever possible, but was mostly a sleeping partner in the whole process (that’s very unlikely of him, though. As I discover much later that he played along as he wasn’t much keen on migration, but did so on my behest). 
Nevertheless, half of 2014 and all of 2015 wen…