April 25, 2008

Giving myself a chance - II

How do you get started when you are nervous? How do you get yourself to believe that you can do it…and that it doesn’t matter if others are grimacing?

It amazes me how much it matters…the perception you make on others. How they look at you, how they think about you? Do you ‘qualify’? Are you good enough? Will this impress them or will they accept me if I did this? Does my acceptance of self depend on theirs of me? (What English is that??)

Whatever, my wondering sessions will never cease!

I made a stunning discovery about myself last night, stunning being an understatement. It was this constant wondering about why I wasn’t reciprocating to something; let’s call it “Activity”. This Activity was on my list for more than a year and I simply couldn’t get down to doing it. I discussed about this with my guy and he did his best to support me…but, eventually he faced the fact too that I was simply not responsive to it. Infact, last evening was one of those days when I tried to draw up a schedule(yet again) & get myself enrolled…basically, get someone who can make me do it. But..no…it fell on its face…FLAT. As always.

Now, I’m someone who knows what I’m doing & why I’m doing it. Everything I did had an answer/reason/objective/motive behind it & am cognizant of the same. But I simply couldn’t figure out what was stopping me from doing this Activity. I thought…and boom it stuck me. And that strike completely bowled me over. I was lost, for God knows how many minutes…my mind went numb…or went into an overdrive…I dunno..it tried analyzing the reason that was thrown up…and it couldn’t agree less! For almost 26 goddamn years, I was living with a thought I didn’t know existed! And now that I know it…it still as difficult to digest.

While the revelation is intensely personal, it suffices to say that it has changed the way I look at myself now. Am still groping with this new feeling…However, this has changed things & I’ve made my first attempt at the Activity. Inshallah, I intend to see it through this time.

And I need to change the blog template. It’s stupid.

Giving myself a chance

Starting on a brand new day. Learning how to fall in love with myself….for the first time ever….it’s tougher, as I know my failings…but am gonna sincerely try.

April 15, 2008

Do saal

In another week, I’ll compete 2 years of my ‘professional life’. Ah! 2 saal. Those first 3-4 months…I remember them so vividly. Eager & hungry. Full of energy & promise. Smiling at everyone….bright new mornings…chirpy self…enquiring mind & observing eyes.

2 years….what has changed? Definitely have subdued down…don’t jump the gun anymore…take more informed & calculated decisions…don’t fret & fume over escalations…can handle pressure better now…know who to smile at…know what to ask & to whom…can manage time better…and most importantly…know where I’m headed now.

Net net..it’s been a good 2 yrs…with a fair share of ups & downs…and I’m loving it! Yakkkuuuu!!!!

April 07, 2008


A new template! YOOHOO!