Giving myself a chance - II

How do you get started when you are nervous? How do you get yourself to believe that you can do it…and that it doesn’t matter if others are grimacing?

It amazes me how much it matters…the perception you make on others. How they look at you, how they think about you? Do you ‘qualify’? Are you good enough? Will this impress them or will they accept me if I did this? Does my acceptance of self depend on theirs of me? (What English is that??)

Whatever, my wondering sessions will never cease!

I made a stunning discovery about myself last night, stunning being an understatement. It was this constant wondering about why I wasn’t reciprocating to something; let’s call it “Activity”. This Activity was on my list for more than a year and I simply couldn’t get down to doing it. I discussed about this with my guy and he did his best to support me…but, eventually he faced the fact too that I was simply not responsive to it. Infact, last evening was one of those days when I tried to draw up a schedule(yet again) & get myself enrolled…basically, get someone who can make me do it. But..no…it fell on its face…FLAT. As always.

Now, I’m someone who knows what I’m doing & why I’m doing it. Everything I did had an answer/reason/objective/motive behind it & am cognizant of the same. But I simply couldn’t figure out what was stopping me from doing this Activity. I thought…and boom it stuck me. And that strike completely bowled me over. I was lost, for God knows how many minutes…my mind went numb…or went into an overdrive…I dunno..it tried analyzing the reason that was thrown up…and it couldn’t agree less! For almost 26 goddamn years, I was living with a thought I didn’t know existed! And now that I know it…it still as difficult to digest.

While the revelation is intensely personal, it suffices to say that it has changed the way I look at myself now. Am still groping with this new feeling…However, this has changed things & I’ve made my first attempt at the Activity. Inshallah, I intend to see it through this time.

And I need to change the blog template. It’s stupid.

Comments

Anonymous said…
just 26 years into LIFE and you know answers to what drives you (atleast it does for that particular ACTIVITY). I would still say....you did it a lot earlier than many people...
There are a few fortunate/unfortunate (as you may wanna call them) souls who would live their complete life swinging like a pendulum, unable to clear their dilemma, and still dont get to a point where they can put their foot down and say.....THIS IS IT...
so way to go lady...

Cheers
Vipul
Apr 26, 2008, 5:28:00 AM
Anonymous said…
wow, nice template Z...
lots of food for thought too :)
May 2, 2008, 10:58:00 AM
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