November 30, 2007

I miss her.

Today one of my best buddies, Seema along with her cute lil daughter, left for Saudi Arabia to join her husband. When she was in India, we’d talk atleast once every 2 weeks and catch up. I met up with her on my last visit to Hyd. I’m already missing her.

With my mood already in the flashback mode, I switched on my comp and selected songs from 2002-2004 releases. That was the time when we were closest and had a time of our life. And while I listen to these songs, not just Seema, but couple of other pals also flashed my mind. Life was so innocent just ~6 years back. What were the worries besides lectures, notes & projects?

Endless chatting on Y!...infact, 2 of my good pals now come from those mad chatting sessions…Ritesh & Zain. Glad both of them doing well for themselves in life now. But I miss those times. Life was so full of anticipation back then…there was so much to look forward to.

What’s life now? It’s a series of meetings & deadlines. Week after week, month after month, year on year. Same goals…give some, take some. Atleast, off late, I have the flexibility of working from home. Thanks to which I didn’t miss any deadlines. Back to square. You can shout, but you cant escape.

I cant understand myself at times….aur kya chahiye mujhe life mein? I need some inspiration. Work has never been & will never be an inspiration for me, no matter how much I love it. I need something that’ll take me away from the rigmarole. That’ll make me smile & feel like a kid. Make me feel secure & at ease. Make me feel alive. I feel all the above when I’m with my guy…but he has his limitations as well…he’s much more committed to his career than I am. I want to depend on something independent. I have lost my mind.

God…please take me back to those times… :-(. Gimme that frame of mind back atleast, if nothing else!!

November 25, 2007

Within Me

Hmm. Ajeeb dastaan hai yeh. Kahaan shuru kahan khatam....yeh manzilen hai kaunsi...na woh samajh saken na hum.

25 yrs have passed since I came into existence. Another 25...max 35 to go, if all goes well. Life seems such a waste of everything. It's all gonna end into nothing. In this short span...such short passage, we manage to make so many friends & enemies...how many we choose to forget..how many we choose to ignore...how often we break hearts & how long we nurture heart breaks. even when I say "Shrug and move on", it seems so futile. Move on to what?

At such times, those cliched words come to mind..."We all have a purpose to fulfill." Somehow that purpose seems much more than anything materialistic. It seems that in this short span...God wanted us to know & to live. Know what's the whole fuss about...know that being alive means much more then breathing & earning a 'living'...

It's to realise about God Himself....how He embodies in each one of us...how He'll take care of our 'troubles', if we trust Him to...how at times, it's just the strong faith that sees us through the darkest times...how trusting God is also about trusting your own self...

At the end of this journey, each one of us should know what we truly are...you know, at times there are few elderly people whose faces reflect their wisdom and a serene calmness. These people have discovered themselves & thus discovered God.

I yearn for that peace...that tranquility which speaks in each of my actions. I know it requires me to have tremendous faith in my abilities & not panic when the I dunno where am heading. For strong faith can only be built through testing times. Trust can be rock solid, if it can withstand rough weather.

I pray to you God...help me discover You...help me discover myself.

Aameen.

© Zarine.

November 16, 2007

Bee..be?

Brrr!!! I have this bee which keeps going round and round and round in my head...irritating me no end. It’s a constant buzzzzzzz which makes me insane. It brings a frown to my face. I dunno what to call it…but it keeps reminding of all the incomplete/ failed/ dead tasks. Though I keep telling that useless gnat that if things are that way its coz others haven’t done their part…it buzzes back with “Still, it was your responsibility!!” This thought weighs me down. I feel so irresponsible. I feel like that stupid gnat…simply buzzing around with no purpose. I feel shit. I feel this...and that and that and this.

I don’t care no more. That feeling is gone. Primarily, it was there not coz I didn’t deliver…it was there coz what would others think about me. Omi Gosh! How incompetent I am!

Yeah, yeah. I wonder why I should live up to anyone’s expectations. Why should I strive to deliver more than expected? Why should I have a reason to live? Or to love? Or why shouldn’t I?

It’s this bee which is making me type all this, ok?! And this what too much work can do to you. You blabber and jabber. And wonder endlessly. I also wonder why people want fame in life. Who remembers them after they are gone? And its for a very lucky few that their fame lives till their very end. For most, its 15 minutes and then gone. They live the remaining life either fending off on those minutes or pining for more of it. Kya hai?!

I also discovered that when, in the end nothing matters, you become very complacent and laid back. There’s no drive, there’s no fire in the belly, there’s no ambition, there’s no nothing. Except for a huge, vast space which you wonder how to fill up. A huge canvas called life….since there are no conditions to color it…you wonder how to start and where. Which strokes to put and which number brush to use. Life’s your imagination. You have no preconditions dictating how to the picture should look, except for your own fertile mind.

Sounds so good, doesn’t it? But is it possible? I often reason things in my life…and I have solved quite a few troubles that way. Somehow a top rating is not what I vie for anymore…coz that’ll put me in that horrible loop of pining for that rating every time there’s an appraisal. I free myself from their expectations. It feels so light.

I had to cancel a meeting today…which was an induction session and had 45 people involved. The worst part is, I received a last minute notice from Logistics that the room was booked for an important client visit. I desperately tried to arrange for another room, but in vain. Had to inform folks at the last moment and I don’t think all have received the update. Later, an hour after I sent the cancellation note, I learnt that the room wasn’t blocked for a client…the Logistics team wasn’t ‘aware’ that the room was already booked 2 weeks in advance by someone else and they committed to me without properly checking their records. And this enlightenment came from none other than the party who had booked the room. Now, normally I’d get infuriated for having paid the cost for someone else’s inefficiency, but all that I was bothered about was that folks who didn’t receive the update will have to come 4 hours earlier than their normal log in time and have nothing to do.

I mean….get a life!! Why arnt I angry??? I don’t have any self respect left. Am a scum. A floating, usless, lifeless, dirty piece of flotsam. Shameless to the core, irresponsible, dead.

A log of wood has more life and self esteem than I do.

November 01, 2007

Tear away

I am sad… L…things arnt turning out as they should…am bored of it now…am disinterested…I feel tired…I want a break…and I cant have one…Damn.