As If I Care..!

How do you get started when you are nervous? How do you get yourself to believe that you can do it…and that it doesn’t matter if others are grimacing? It amazes me how much it matters…the perception you make on others. How they look at you, how they think about you? Do you ‘qualify’? Are you good enough? Will this impress them or will they accept me if I did this? Does my acceptance of self depend on theirs of me? (What English is that??) Whatever, my wondering sessions will never cease! I made a stunning discovery about myself last night, stunning being an understatement. It was this constant wondering about why I wasn’t reciprocating to something; let’s call it “Activity”. This Activity was on my list for more than a year and I simply couldn’t get down to doing it. I discussed about this with my guy and he did his best to support me…but, eventually he faced the fact too that I was simply not responsive to it. Infact, last evening was one of those days when I tried to dr...

Starting on a brand new day. Learning how to fall in love with myself….for the first time ever….it’s tougher, as I know my failings…but am gonna sincerely try.

In another week, I’ll compete 2 years of my ‘professional life’. Ah! 2 saal. Those first 3-4 months…I remember them so vividly. Eager & hungry. Full of energy & promise. Smiling at everyone….bright new mornings…chirpy self…enquiring mind & observing eyes. 2 years….what has changed? Definitely have subdued down…don’t jump the gun anymore…take more informed & calculated decisions…don’t fret & fume over escalations…can handle pressure better now…know who to smile at…know what to ask & to whom…can manage time better…and most importantly…know where I’m headed now. Net net..it’s been a good 2 yrs…with a fair share of ups & downs…and I’m loving it! Yakkkuuuu!!!!

A new template! YOOHOO!

What or who matters in life? Does life itself matter? Can one just live through it as if in a hazy dream? Or a hazy nightmare? I so often catch myself wondering what's the purpose of living? Why do we live? No, it's not one of those "purpose of life" discussions wherein you try to figure your mission on this planet. It's a one wherein am questioning the need for life on the planet itself. There has to be more to it than a mere creation of God, sent on this planet as a punishment for Adam & Eve's deeds. There has to be more than just Good vs Bad, more than Us vs Them. Did God create us to check how we combat temptations? Is that all? How we respond to crisis & how we uphold our integrity? All this....this suffering...this violence...the joys...the happiness....the manipulations...the honesty...the whole hog...all to test the being? For what? And why? Family ties, friendship, enmity, betrayal, tears, sacrifices, testimonies...for what? Is the fear of God...

I took a stress test today. The results were " Stressed Out. You may need help ." Now before that Heart Attack pays me a visit, I must turn to someone I really love & ask him to bail me out. © Zarine.

I didn't know cornflakes with Badam milk & some oranges tastes so good. Man, am all over the place these days. My speech is incoherent...I think faster than I speak which results in some garbled speech! After 2yrs of working, am off late feeling like a new joinee! Am so anxious all the time. The past 6 months have exhausted me completely. So much so that am looking forward to the one new member joining my team. Am gonna dump everything on that poor lad/lass & RUN! But what is it exactly?? I need a review. Yes, that's what I need. It'll give me some perspective on the last 6 months. I need to recharge & rejuvenate myself. I need to go to Kerala. See? see see see? One minute I need a review, next minute I need Kerala!! Sannnyaaassss!!!!!! © Zarine.

© Zarine.

Am REALLY Bored. © Zarine.

Bloody helll!! Sometimes it gets just so damn difficult!! You’d want someone you can shout at and bully coz there has to be some outlet to the anger simmering inside you!!!! That also shows how mentally instable you are! And how you’d want to feed your ego by doing all this. Wont help ya, kid. Trust me, it’ll only get more pathetic. And keechad se dur raho agar apne haath saaf rakhna ho to.

Time to celebrate!! In the past few weeks…I was so bogged down by work that my morale took a hit. A nice hit, at that. Work work work. But as things go, one has to keep working and slogging. Then popped my Super boss. He wanted me to design the career path program for one of overseas operations. Okay….and what inputs do I have about their profiles?…Not much....Okay…Can I have a look at their performance management system to design the criteria?....No, there isn’t any in the first place….Okay…Any Ops plan to figure the Org development chart?...Nopes….Cool…How long do I have design this ‘career path’?....3 hours….Fantastic….Atleast let me know what these people are supposed to do post promotions, so that I can design a competency map???....That’s available!...Thank Great God…Life’s not that unfair, after all! So basis the ‘inputs’, I design a career path…not just 1 level but a level above that as well. Mail it to him. He mails it to his Boss…she shoots it down with 3 questions…he br...

Man, I’m bored…and how bored I am!!! Monday morning…first time in the last 4 months when I didn’t feel like coming for work. Add to the fact that it’s an off for Operations…it makes the whole thing more dreary. I was wondering if I can go back home by 5? Wah…I’m even looking low! “Monday is the key point…Monday agar nikal jaaye, toh no problem” chirps my VP - Training. Ma’am…problem Monday ki hi hai! L It’s been one of those weekends who’s after effects are felt in the upcoming weekdays. I bought a new cell, btw. There’s a no-cam phone drive on in my biz unit, and as always…HR has to be the first one to comply. Jeez…I feel so dead this morning. Let’s listen to Radio… 1. 92.7 - Delhi Fry..a cookery show with some Suruchi…nah..next.. 2. 91.1 - Some ad going on a girl “Who’s a naukrani but wants to become uske khawabon ke raja ki rani…watch “Raja ki aayegi baaraat” on Zee”. 3. 98.3 - Nominations for “Femina Miss India” on…logon to feminamissindia.indiatimes...

Hirdu Has tagged me for publishing my New year resolutions. Ah! Tagging reminds me of those good ol times...when we had just started blogging and the whole 'tagging' was a 'in' thing to do. Wherever one would go....there would be some post honoring some tag. Good ol times. Ok, let's get back to the topic. I checked my Jan 2007 post for 2007 resolutions and was amazed at how I did uphold some of them without realising it. Let's see how I fare in 2008. Damn, I cant think of any resolutions! :(. Umm. Ok...just one. I'll take care of myself. I know how difficult it is. Let's try :). © Zarine.

Everything cant be important. Everything cant be urgent and everything cant be "do or die". What's the fuss about?? Corporate lives are so dictated by deadlines. And half of them were to be met 'as of yesterday'. I realise (which I keep doing every now & then), we got nothing to lose we if we stop fretting & fuming. I love my Hyderabadi culture for this. "Ho jaayega...tensions kaiko lere?" Chill. I keep chasing myself...yeh karo, woh karo. Uff. Kaiko??? Nai karte. Karlo jo karna hai. Hehehehe. It'll be fun if I can say that to my Boss ;). But unfortunately, I've built for myself a repute wherein any report/ data is submitted much before the deadline. Now, that's coz I leave everything that I'm doing and finish the task who's deadline is closer. Bad. Bbbbbaaaaddddd man!!! My little over 20 months experience in Corporate life tells me that things eventually manage to happen. If you dont do it, somebody else will do it for you an...

Cobwebs are built in those areas where there's less or no activity. The human mind has many dimensions. The spiritual, the social, the self, the philosophical, the philanthropical, the practical, the materialistic & the ethical. Now, given the pace at which we live our lives, one of these is bound to be more active & another one the least. That's when cobwebs start developing in those dimensions. Our clarity of thought is affected when we try to access them. Over a period of time, we stop thinking in those dimensions & our thoughts clearly lack a 'holistic' view. It can be taxing at times if one wants to be all of the above. The point isnt to be all of the above at once....but to be one of them atleast once, over a period of time. Atleast 2 dimensions can be incorporated in daily lives, without even realising it. More than 2 would require some effort, but should be easy with practice. Now, as complex as the human mind is, the 2 dimensions that we choose to...

Today one of my best buddies, Seema along with her cute lil daughter, left for Saudi Arabia to join her husband. When she was in India , we’d talk atleast once every 2 weeks and catch up. I met up with her on my last visit to Hyd. I’m already missing her. With my mood already in the flashback mode, I switched on my comp and selected songs from 2002-2004 releases. That was the time when we were closest and had a time of our life. And while I listen to these songs, not just Seema, but couple of other pals also flashed my mind. Life was so innocent just ~6 years back. What were the worries besides lectures, notes & projects? Endless chatting on Y!...infact, 2 of my good pals now come from those mad chatting sessions…Ritesh & Zain. Glad both of them doing well for themselves in life now. But I miss those times. Life was so full of anticipation back then…there was so much to look forward to. What’s life now? It’s a series of meetings & deadlines. Week after w...

Hmm. Ajeeb dastaan hai yeh. Kahaan shuru kahan khatam....yeh manzilen hai kaunsi...na woh samajh saken na hum. 25 yrs have passed since I came into existence. Another 25...max 35 to go, if all goes well. Life seems such a waste of everything. It's all gonna end into nothing. In this short span...such short passage, we manage to make so many friends & enemies...how many we choose to forget..how many we choose to ignore...how often we break hearts & how long we nurture heart breaks. even when I say "Shrug and move on", it seems so futile. Move on to what? At such times, those cliched words come to mind..."We all have a purpose to fulfill." Somehow that purpose seems much more than anything materialistic. It seems that in this short span...God wanted us to know & to live. Know what's the whole fuss about...know that being alive means much more then breathing & earning a 'living'... It's to realise about God Himself....how He embodies...

Brrr!!! I have this bee which keeps going round and round and round in my head...irritating me no end. It’s a constant buzzzzzzz which makes me insane. It brings a frown to my face. I dunno what to call it…but it keeps reminding of all the incomplete/ failed/ dead tasks. Though I keep telling that useless gnat that if things are that way its coz others haven’t done their part…it buzzes back with “Still, it was your responsibility!!” This thought weighs me down. I feel so irresponsible. I feel like that stupid gnat…simply buzzing around with no purpose. I feel shit. I feel this...and that and that and this. I don’t care no more. That feeling is gone. Primarily, it was there not coz I didn’t deliver…it was there coz what would others think about me. Omi Gosh! How incompetent I am! Yeah, yeah. I wonder why I should live up to anyone’s expectations. Why should I strive to deliver more than expected? Why should I have a reason to live? Or to love? Or why shouldn’t I? It’s this ...

I am sad… L …things arnt turning out as they should…am bored of it now…am disinterested…I feel tired…I want a break…and I cant have one…Damn.  

And the second in those series....Boy, I made lotta sense back then too! :)) Continuing from the previous post, a key element in loving yourself is taking care of yourself. Again,easier said than done. Why does it hurt so much when people walk away from your life? Why does one feel so lonely and down? How can someone have the ability to cause us pain in such a capacity? Why cant people let go easily? Why are so many tears and heartbreaks a part of the process? Nothing lasts.Really nothing does.At the end of the day,you are all by yourself.And most of the time,you are either sad or just plain blank.You wish for someone who could've being there to share your blues,but the stark reality is...even if someone is there,s/he wont be there forever. Rem'ber before those presentations/speeches/plays in front of an audience, no matter how much anyone told u to be confident, you always had to have a lil talk with yourself , assuring yourself that everything would be ok ? Tht "C'mo...