Bee..be?

Brrr!!! I have this bee which keeps going round and round and round in my head...irritating me no end. It’s a constant buzzzzzzz which makes me insane. It brings a frown to my face. I dunno what to call it…but it keeps reminding of all the incomplete/ failed/ dead tasks. Though I keep telling that useless gnat that if things are that way its coz others haven’t done their part…it buzzes back with “Still, it was your responsibility!!” This thought weighs me down. I feel so irresponsible. I feel like that stupid gnat…simply buzzing around with no purpose. I feel shit. I feel this...and that and that and this.

I don’t care no more. That feeling is gone. Primarily, it was there not coz I didn’t deliver…it was there coz what would others think about me. Omi Gosh! How incompetent I am!

Yeah, yeah. I wonder why I should live up to anyone’s expectations. Why should I strive to deliver more than expected? Why should I have a reason to live? Or to love? Or why shouldn’t I?

It’s this bee which is making me type all this, ok?! And this what too much work can do to you. You blabber and jabber. And wonder endlessly. I also wonder why people want fame in life. Who remembers them after they are gone? And its for a very lucky few that their fame lives till their very end. For most, its 15 minutes and then gone. They live the remaining life either fending off on those minutes or pining for more of it. Kya hai?!

I also discovered that when, in the end nothing matters, you become very complacent and laid back. There’s no drive, there’s no fire in the belly, there’s no ambition, there’s no nothing. Except for a huge, vast space which you wonder how to fill up. A huge canvas called life….since there are no conditions to color it…you wonder how to start and where. Which strokes to put and which number brush to use. Life’s your imagination. You have no preconditions dictating how to the picture should look, except for your own fertile mind.

Sounds so good, doesn’t it? But is it possible? I often reason things in my life…and I have solved quite a few troubles that way. Somehow a top rating is not what I vie for anymore…coz that’ll put me in that horrible loop of pining for that rating every time there’s an appraisal. I free myself from their expectations. It feels so light.

I had to cancel a meeting today…which was an induction session and had 45 people involved. The worst part is, I received a last minute notice from Logistics that the room was booked for an important client visit. I desperately tried to arrange for another room, but in vain. Had to inform folks at the last moment and I don’t think all have received the update. Later, an hour after I sent the cancellation note, I learnt that the room wasn’t blocked for a client…the Logistics team wasn’t ‘aware’ that the room was already booked 2 weeks in advance by someone else and they committed to me without properly checking their records. And this enlightenment came from none other than the party who had booked the room. Now, normally I’d get infuriated for having paid the cost for someone else’s inefficiency, but all that I was bothered about was that folks who didn’t receive the update will have to come 4 hours earlier than their normal log in time and have nothing to do.

I mean….get a life!! Why arnt I angry??? I don’t have any self respect left. Am a scum. A floating, usless, lifeless, dirty piece of flotsam. Shameless to the core, irresponsible, dead.

A log of wood has more life and self esteem than I do.