I have run out of words to express myself. They all sound the same now. I'm like a piece of parched land, with nothing to offer to the life that sprouts from it. I'm so fatigued... with the insecurities and anxiousness that I have been living with for years now.

The tipping point sometimes just comes by. Its may not always be grand or significant. A tiny grain of sand can tilt the scales.

These hands dont have the strength to raise to the Lord and ask of Him...am so tired of asking. Its not that He hasnt provided me...but more often than not its like an SOS call to 911. Help arrives in time...but the experience leaves you exasperated. Its a close call. All the time.

I'm tired of being nice to people..of caring about everyone around...of thinking about them and their thoughts and their well being. I'm tired of thinking what will happen of me....I'm tired of thinking what will not happen of me...I'm tired of trying to provide to thankless people...I'm tired of thinking of what do I need to do to make up for any wrong I've done...I'm tired of thinking that I am the one who has to understand and adjust...I'm tired of trying to put myself in the other person's shoes...I'm tired of justifying others irate behavior towards me...I'm tired of thinking what could I do to make up to my folks...I'm tired of thinking how to get my bro back...how to make my sis happy...how to make mom happy...how to make my extended family happy...how to make up for any shit they go through...of feeling guilty for making them go through any, in the first place...of thinking how it all seems like a dead end...of what I'm fighting for...and at what cost...am tired of weighing my happiness against everyone else's...of trying to make the one I'm fighting for pay for it...of trying to constantly assure myself that everything will be alright...of cribbing...of running to friends for assurances...of constantly being on the edge...of thinking that what I have done isnt wrong...or right...or judging myself...of letting others judge me

I'm done. I give up. I'm totally devoid of emotions at this point.

Comments

Anonymous said…
great...i need a robot for my household chores....so when can we discuss tht?? :P
Apr 10, 2010, 1:26:00 PM
Nikhil said…
Hey !! I ordered one first !! Are we allowed to whip this madness out of them first so that they turn back to the bitch they were that makes them so adorable in the first place? :)
Apr 10, 2010, 10:01:00 PM
Lady Z said…
And what did i do to deserve such friends?!!! They wont even let me wallow in self pity!
Apr 13, 2010, 11:18:00 AM
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