As If I Care..!

The last couple of days have been such a roller coaster emotional ride. Not in a sob sob/ grin grin manner, but I feel some sort of realisation..a dawn..turning a heavy duty page over sorta feeling. Negative people seem to take disproportionate time of your day, compared to the positive ones. While the definition of positive and negative essentially is people who you find agreeable or not, but one seems more obsessed with converting the negatives ones over instead of consolidating the positive ones. It's akin to conquering more terrain while leaving the already conquered in a 'maintenance-only' mode. Why is it so important for everyone to agree with you? That's the first of the warning signs of narcissism.  Husband pointed out that I'm not very good at 'giving it back' to the nasty ones and tend to internalise it. That my relationship with such folks has a very very long tail before it finally tapers off into oblivion. There will always be this finite ...

I came back from work and headed for the hotel lounge. I was generally browsing through FB, et al and ordering nachos in steaming cheese with a cuppa hot chocolate (yes, feel jealous, thats the whole point ;) ) when I thought of making this post. Its a serious kinda post. A good ol friend gets married this month. Dude, you have been part of my life and part of this blog. We wish you a content life ahead...the one where each moment is cherishable. Which brings me to the point that all the readers of this blog are single. Now that this dude gets married, mebbe we should revoke his access to this blog :P Have we ever thought how greedy we can get in life? more often than not this leads to not so good situations. when a guy and gal are good friends, when does it change to love? when do u know u r crossing the line? what is it about the relation that makes them want to take things forward at the risk of their friendship?all the guys i was in love with were my friends once, except for ...

Being by yourself can do weird things to your mind. Besides wondering what to do next, you find yourself often being sucked into the past. People, moments, thoughts, incidents. And if there's any particular song, which meant something back then on the playlist, then the roller coaster ride is guaranteed. It's like a pause in a life playing in fast forward.  I am still stuck in Step 3. Being more than 2 weeks since I studied spanish. Tengo que aprender mas espanol pronto. I wish I was paid a rupee everytime someone had "Give me some sunshine, give me some rain, give me another chance, I wanna grow up again" status messages! And invariably, they'd be a couple of folks who'll 'like' this status. What's wrong with people? Was their growing up so fucked up that they'd wanna do it again...or mebbe it was so awesome, that they'd live it again?! When I think about my past...I am so fine with it. There's no part I wanna do again. I just want ...

My dear heart never think you are better than others.  Listen to their sorrows with compassion.  If you want peace, don't harbor bad thoughts do not gossip and don't teach what you do not know.  © Z.

One of the reasons I made this blog private was...I really wanted to vent out a lot of stuff without fear. All the people who can read this are the ones who know what's on in my life. It's dark and cold. Just got off a call with my school pal. It's so important that as you grow old...you ought to have those people who knew you when you were young.  Anyways, the discussion veered around friends getting married, some becoming proud parents, to pestlike colleagues, personal lives et al. I do envy some of them for being happily married and settled down...and their posting gorgeous pics doesnt help either. To be honest, when I do ask myself, what do I envy them for...its for the certainty in their lives. From where I look, they have good jobs in good companies, have a good partner and a good family life. Atleast, that's what all those pictures suggest. I miss those in mine. Ok...I do have a good job in a good company...but it could've been better. Ok...am getting ...

Nicely put by Seth . It's increasingly common...this kind of thinking. Do your own stuff, be accountable, dont be the victim, be the change you want to be and so on. What gets me thinking is....if so many of us are thinking in this direction, why are so many of us still cribbing too? Thought is the first step towards action but many a times, it's just not enough. One also needs vision...the vision of how the changed state will be. One also needs reasons...reason why the change needs to happen. One also needs guts...to make the change happen. And above all...one needs conviction...that the change HAS to happen. So while someone's job may suck and thinks he deserves better....he'd need a lot more than that thought. © Z.

I wonder why almost 40 people are following me on Twitter. © Z.

2004 - 12 2005 - 93 2006 - 37 2007 - 31 2008 - 36 2009 - 18 That's the number of blog posts since the blog inception. 2009 scores the lowest...the 12 posts made in 2004 were all done in Dec 2004! While '06, '07, '08 have been fairly consistent...'09 figures did rock me a bit. It's been a low year...and I didn't turn to my blog enough number of times, I guess. Whatever the reason be...let 2010 be more verbose. Cheers! © Z.

It'll be three decades in ~3 years time, since I was born. The question "what have you done so far" surprisingly doesnt bother me as I realise that, this race to "do something" since we were kids, has consumed so much of our lives...that only success and its relative supriority to others success' and lives seems relevant. I'd rather want to ask myself...how much of these three decades of your life do you remember? How many moments have left their mark on your mind's tracks? How many people from then are still part of your now? What have you discovered about yourself that will make the coming years more fruitful? What have you denied and what have you compromised on? What are your moments of glory? And I'd want all of these to be absolute moments...not a "I beat her to the top rank"...rather "I felt good about doing this... I didnt think I could do it" type of stuff. This life is over so fricking fast that one doesnt realise wh...

I dunno whats the urgency to publish this post...am dead sleepy and still punching away the keys. (After stifling another yawn)...the point was...I need to do certain things. Like sleeping, maybe. Ok..get over it. This post is inspired or rather the thought was triggered by a teddy bear friend (someone who looks like a teddy....not someone you take to bed when u r lonely!) Sleep deprivation people...it can make one lose all senses. Things to do before I die (unlike my friend who knows the exact number of things he'd wanna do...i'm happy that I atleast have something!) Ride a bike...kasam se...the Ducati types...full speed, swanky helmet.. minus the chick, obv Be able to converse without getting worked up Have a personal library with atleast couple of thousand titles Go on a cruise Be able to understand religions...all of them Get rid of prejudices Do a course on Oceanology Learn the art of meditation Learn a sport...preferably squash Learn the guitar/ violin Be privileged enoug...

Trust is built through credibility. Credibility is built through accountability. Accountability is built through responsibility. Responsibility is built through ownership. Ownership is built through identifying with the objective. Identification is built through internalization. Internalization is built through synchronizing the external objectives with internal goals. Goals are built through purpose. So if you lack purpose, you cannot be trusted.

In continuation of the last post...I actually thought about that line.   Dum hai boss.   I also realized, that besides the people I hate and my sweetheart (mutually exclusive please! J ) I think about my friends and couple of other people too. And in this list of other people, I think of Allwin Agnel the most. I dunno why. I just think about him and that’s about it...! Not that I wanna join his firm or something (I’m basically a very lazy person & his firm is too charged up for my comfort :P ). He keeps flashing in my mind...and since I’m into psychology and stuff...I’m sure its symbolic of something. Dunno what though. When I have free time, I just open the PG forum or the Slog page...not that I look forward to any information or have something to contribute there...but...its an old habit which refuses to die hard. He hangs around in the back of my mind. Doesn’t say anything. I thought I’ll talk to him once and maybe the thing...

I read this the other day, “We become what we think of”   It made me yawn. Or maybe it was the biryani I had for lunch that made me yawn. So, back to the statement. The author of this particular statement says that when you believe in this one line, it will change your life. And you’ll be happy, successful and find a BMW next time you scratch a detergent bar coupon (ok, that was made up)   “We become what we think of”. Hmm, what do I think of the whole day? I think of escaping from certain people I so hate, I think of what my better half must be doing, I think of how futile it is to struggle at times...infact, it amazes me now that I think more about people I don’t like than the ones I adore!   I’m so caught up in hating and getting back at those people, that I don’t think of anything else for most of the day! What a waste! But you know, these people (the ones you hate & vice versa) do such things to your s...

A great boss Is not someone who solves tricky issues for you, but teaches you to approach them and stays there till you solve Is not someone who is all the time around, doing most of what you should be doing Is not someone who interferes with your job so much that folks think he/she's the one doing it, not you! Is not someone who does all things 'strategic' and leaves the 'tactical' stuff for you Is not someone who uses your informal conversations against you in formal forums Is not someone who you makes you think its ok to be average Is not someone who crucifies you for your delays, but is himself/herself late all the while Is not someone who sees the micro level issues to such an extent that he/she loses sight of the bigger picture Is not someone who agrees with you all the time Is not someone who ignore you all the time Is not someone who makes you wish you had quit long time back Is not someone who kills the ambition in you to move ahead Is not someone who makes...

Its been a while since I had a heart to heart chat with this blog. With this html text page with links & codes because my friends are too busy for me. Never mind. It’s such tumultuous times out here. The pressure and stress I’m undergoing is beyond me. Am between roles…and what a way I’m in between roles! My past role has my replacement already onboard. My next role is under discussion. So basically neither here nor there. How does one react in such situations? When in the past one year you have been so bogged down with work that “spare time” seemed like nirvana. But hey. It’s ok to be in ambiguous situations. Its great if the next role materializes. Its ok if it doesn’t. Something else will. I might want to enjoy this interim period of fewer expectations and pressures. Personally, things are beginning to hit choppy waters. I don’t even know how to put across the anxieties I face daily. 24 hours. And then I have this nagging headache. Woah…I don’t wanna head for a nervous breakdown...

I'm very anxious. Was all along getting ready for this roller coaster ride...infact experienced the joys of post ride before the ride! It's like working backwards...now getting on to the ride...dont really want to think what, how, why...will handle things as they come (as a good ol vipz advised) Carry me through this good Lord. © Z.

It's been a while. Things havnt changed much between the last post & this one. Except that I find myself a bit more confident these days. Owe it to the promotion & a direct reportee or owe it to the fact that you've seen enough to know that things just happen. The world doesnt crash if you dont meet the deadlines. Hasnt yet, ever. Not really a retrospective post this, but more of an observation kinds. Observation fed by thoughts of near & dear ones. "You should often do what you fear the most. This way death of fear is certain" - Mark Twain How do we define our fears? By the consequences? I'm actually scared of ghosts. And dogs. But I still remember all those nights when there was no power & my mind made things just more difficult. It would be difficult to sleep as I'd be on high alert. Now, why do I fear ghosts? Coz I have no control over them and I cant possibly combat them either. That's the problem. If I knew that on sighting a ghost yo...

At those lonely hours of a cold night you wonder...how much have you invested in yourself to keep your being afloat at such times? Do you have any habit or hobby you can fall back on to see yourself through such still hours? You fall back on your friends without for once thinking that they too have their lives & cant be there every time you need them. Do you even 'need' them now or are you are using them as a defense against Loneliness? Are you curing the problem or its symptoms? Thank Lord for the pals you have...who lift you through...what if for once they couldnt? Would you fall flat? You can sit still for hours when you are alone...its like something is lost. You exist in them...in people around you. Their presence revives you...you are a low key raaga without them. You are so completely detached from your surroundings that it sometimes startles me that you are even present in the room! It seems like you really arnt here...you are somewhere else...mebbe with all those ...

God is such a personal aspect of one's life. We come across so many people citing how God should be worshiped, how your relation with Him should be and the usual Do's & Dont's. There might be times when you dont relate to what's been preached, but you are apprised that you do not know since it requires an understanding at a higher level or that people with more insight & knowledge say its right...and hence it should be right. So there you are...confused. Should you go by what your nubile mind thinks or what a more knowledgeable mind preaches. You might tread the latter path for the fear of doing something wrong in your ignorance. But even if you still do something 'wrong' due to your ignorance in your quest of understanding God, does the Almighty view it so severely? I dont understand the "God-fearing" funda. Can you love & accept someone wholeheartedly if you feared Him? There's always this barrier of fear. The constant act of getting ...

How do you get started when you are nervous? How do you get yourself to believe that you can do it…and that it doesn’t matter if others are grimacing? It amazes me how much it matters…the perception you make on others. How they look at you, how they think about you? Do you ‘qualify’? Are you good enough? Will this impress them or will they accept me if I did this? Does my acceptance of self depend on theirs of me? (What English is that??) Whatever, my wondering sessions will never cease! I made a stunning discovery about myself last night, stunning being an understatement. It was this constant wondering about why I wasn’t reciprocating to something; let’s call it “Activity”. This Activity was on my list for more than a year and I simply couldn’t get down to doing it. I discussed about this with my guy and he did his best to support me…but, eventually he faced the fact too that I was simply not responsive to it. Infact, last evening was one of those days when I tried to dr...